I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
