We need to start having sex underwater more often.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
