He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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