his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
So vagazzling was a success
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
