i don't like sucking hair
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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