If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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