I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
