ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
