you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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