you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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