I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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