Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
