the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
