But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
