These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize