He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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