A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
