I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
