just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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