Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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