The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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