O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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