Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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