just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize