Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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