I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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