I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
soo... how was my night?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
