FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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