420 ftw
True but thats because hes a fetus.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize