I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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