Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
