cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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