i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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