i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
And then he peed in my hair
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