i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
