So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
