I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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