I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
