I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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