I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
