i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
