I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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