how hairy? two words: wookie tits
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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