Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
