At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
