I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
