Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I think my fart just growled at me.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
