god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
