i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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