Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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