'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I need to stop coming to work sober
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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