I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
