I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
