i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
