My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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