i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize