How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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