Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize