I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
