I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
