went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
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