and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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