I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Randomize
