I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
