new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Success! We fucked roommates!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
