I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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