Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize