This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
