He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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