never play flip cup with pint glasses
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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