saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
