I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
My pussy is not your playground.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Randomize
