now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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