he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
