I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
and you fell through a lawn chair
That's how pantless uber rides happen
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
