3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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