My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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