girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Bring me that man meat
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
