Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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